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Evelyn: As our Political Science major, Evelyn is able to accurately keep us informed about the actions of our lovely government (or not-so-lovely government, as the case may be), as well as wars and rumors of wars worldwide. She uses her skills of wit and politics to debate with all those who come into our dorm and has yet to find a worthy rival. Moreover, we are sure that through her top-notch campaign calls during the Midterm Elections, Evelyn carried the Republican vote in the state of Colorado, even though she is from Indiana and Senate candidate Ken Buck still lost. In addition, scientists have concluded that global warming is in part caused directly by Evelyn, whose excessive ice cube consumption has already reduced the amount of ice on Mt. Timpanogos by 30% this season (* Note: We have discussed the creation of an IEA—Ice Eaters Anonymous—group to combat this problem). In conclusion, we regretfully must inform you that over the course of the semester, Evelyn has fallen German inactive as her faith in German-speaking has spiraled downward (* Note: We have yet to see a German missionary on our Lonely Missionary Wall to restore her faith in the class, so perhaps not all is lost).
Tessa: Though her major is as of yet unknown, Tessa has informed us that in her future lies “…something artsy…hopefully not living in a cardboard box.” However, none of us are too worried about her future housing since she has already been encouraged by a professor to publish a short story. She is currently Employee of the Month every month at Taco Bell (though we have yet to see our free tacos). In addition, Tessa participated in BYU Mask Club’s Next to Normal, the happiest show you’ve ever seen. Though she is the provider of our Leonardo DeCaprio collection (Titanic, Romeo and Juliet, etc. etc.) she still needs to go deeper and see Inception. Currently, Tessa serves as the Resident Kissing Expert and the Bowen 19 domestic chef. We have learned to respect the one who can cook meals other than cheese quesadillas.
Emily: Did you know that cows produce 200,000 glasses of milk in their lifetime? Well, Emily has consumed at least half that just this semester. Due to her love of milk, Emily has strong bones that have allowed her to become successful in her dancing career here at BYU. As an almost professional folk dancer, Emily has managed to woo all the boys with her graceful grooviness. And just to baffle our minds more, Emily even finds time to participate in Ping Pong Club. As an undefeated member, Emily pounds those plastic balls hardcore. Like a true winner, Emily even triumphed in our dorm’s football rivalry when the Patriots beat the Colts 31 to 28. However, we have discovered through our many conversations about dating that Emily has indeed managed to redefine the word “dating” and shifted it to an all-new paradigm.
Lauren: Did you know that cows produce 200,000 glasses of milk in their lifetime? Well, Lauren has informed us that human consumption of all that milk is unnatural. She instead consumes plenty of soy milk (made naturally from beans, not cow-created lactate) to heroically maintain the Milk Equilibrium of our dorm and thus stop the earth from being overrun by cows. Her adamant recycling only augments her “green” superpowers. On a separate note, as an English major, Lauren is quite useful in keeping the language within our dorm refined and proper. Given these facts, dorm Bowen 19 has observed that Lauren is an individual woman who cares about the environment and actually wants an education. Therefore, following traditional BYU standards, we have deemed her the Resident Liberal. But in contrast to this utter repudiation of the BYU norm, Lauren still fulfills and even magnifies her church calling: Indeed, we enjoy secretly watching Lauren learn how to perfect the art of directing the BYU 118th Ward Choir through instructional YouTube videos.
Kelsilyn: Currently attends BYU and is majoring in…TBA at a later time. All day every day, 25/8, Kelsilyn splits her time between work two jobs: sanitary engineering in the Benson Building and ushering at the BYU football games. As to the latter, everyone is frequently floored by the fact that she is often in the presence of BYU football legends and General Authorities. Though she knows who the General Authorities are (thank goodness), she only recently learned the significance of meeting some football dude named Steve Young. In her student life, she maintains a strict 86%-only policy on all tests and a strict diet of oatmeal, soda crackers and cream cheese. Voted the most eligible wife in Bowen Hall, Kelsilyn refutes conflict of interest by maintaining faith in the mysterious missionary boy from Pennsylvania, whoever he is.
Jessica: Jessica, the brunt of Bowen 19’s many Asian jokes (though she’s only a fourth Asian), is currently majoring in Actuarial Science. Though none of us have quite figured out what that major actually is, we figure that it’s something smart and continue to HOO-RAH her on. Given her advanced brain and Asian persuasion, Jessica has been able to woo many boys, but has yet to find a good banana. She currently works at the BYU Bookstore, but, unlike Tessa, has never been Employee of the Month. However, she achieved an even higher honor: grand prize in the Bookstore’s prestigious coloring contest. Indeed, Jessica is an artist in many ways besides coloring, and is considered by world experts to be a master in the art of sarcasm; weaker souls would falter at her dry wit, but we are frequently found in bouts of laughter throughout the day. Currently the most talented dessert baker in the dorm, Jessica consistently makes delicious cookie dough (we say cookie dough because it never actually makes it into the oven to morph into its ultimate form).
Anyways, to everyone who loves us enough to have read through this whole thing: We love you, too. Merry Christmas!
Evelyn Forbes, Man of the House
Tessa Wilkerson, Mom
Emily Kleinkopf, Senile Grandmother
Lauren Fine, Rebellious Teenager
Kelsilyn Westberg, Ginger Stepchild
Jessica Seeger, Forgotten Middle Child
QUIZ: HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW BOWEN 19?
1. Who in this dorm has a middle name?
2. T/F: Evelyn and Lauren have the same political views.
3. Who is Sister Bowen?
4. What are the secret menu items at the Cougareat Taco Bell?
5. How do you pronounce the Celtic name “Eoghan?”
6. How many members of Bowen 19 suffered from technological malfunctions this semester?
7. The lyrics to the holiday classic “Deck the Halls” are “Deck the halls with…”
A. Balls of holly
B. Bows of holly
C. Boughs of holly
D. Schluck
8. What does “Kleinkopf” mean in German?
9. What food do we never want to eat again?
10. What time do the Temple Square lights close?
ANSWERS
1. Evelyn Elizabeth and Tessa Jolene
2. TRUE!
3. The ghost that haunts our dorm with creepy knocking and phone calls every midnight.
4. The Hulk Burrito, Superman Burrito, Mike Black Burrito, GT Burrito and the Jason-style Cheesy Gordita Crunch
5. “Owen” or “Ewan”
6. 4
7. C, unless your last name is Kleinkopf, in which case any answer is acceptable
8. Small head
9. Friendship bread
10. We don’t know, but it was sometime before we got there.
